Just as clutter can pile up in our homes, clutter can accumulate in our personal lives. While we all sometimes fall short of being great friends, it’s repeated behavior that makes the difference when it comes to considering who you should keep in your life.
5 Reasons to Let Go of a Relationship
1. You are not being treated with respect. Physical and verbal abuse are blatantly disrespectful and should never be tolerated. Both become easier for the offender to continue each successive time. However, more subtle forms of disrespect may be easy to overlook. If someone is repeatedly late for appointments, continually teases or even mocks you on subjects that you’ve made clear are painful areas to you, or does not listen to your “no” when you’ve expressed it (which is what the continual teasing would be), they do not value or respect you. I recall Oprah once saying that If you tell someone no and they continue with their behavior, it’s an attempt to control you.
2. You feel drained by contact with that person. While a toxic relationship may have its occasional peaks of excitement that sustain it, the net result is that you feel worse for your contact with that person. I am very sensitive to discussion around me, which is one of the reasons I don’t listen to talk radio or politics. People who like to use rhetoric or try to engage me in discussion of sensitive topics like religion or politics drain me. Being around negative people drains me, so I do my best to make contact with them infrequent.
3. You are the one doing nearly all of the giving. There are times in any relationship when things won’t be “even,” and I don’t think anyone should be keeping score. However, you know when it’s a long-term issue that you’re the one doing the giving. You initiate the contact; the other rarely or never does.
4. You are the only one making an effort at open and honest communication. I once had a friend who I sensed was upset with me about something. For a good six months I kept asking her what was wrong. I took her out to lunch and posed that question to her across the table. She just smiled in a way that said “you should know” and kept her mouth shut. I felt like I was being punished without being permitted to know the reason. I racked my mind periodically for six months. Some of my calls went unanswered. Our relationship dwindled to little contact. Then one day, out of the blue, I got a call from her confessing that she had been holding in her anger for the past six months over a detail that I couldn’t have even known about. I thanked her, apologized for my long-past innocent mishap that had upset her so, and said I was so glad that she had finally shared with me and to please share with me immediately in the future. A few days went by, and without malice, I realized the relationship wasn’t worth continuing. I had put forth too much effort in those six months to allow something similar happen again. Adult communication is a necessary ingredient between friends.
5. You are not supported during your darkest hour. A bittersweet aspect of crisis is it’ll clearly show you who your friends are and are not. When you plunge into deep depression, are diagnosed with cancer, file for bankruptcy, lose a loved one, or have any of life’s other major crises, a true friend will remain by your side. A false friend will suddenly be missing, not initiating contact or returning your calls. It can be heartbreaking to realize in the midst of a crisis that you were somehow being used or devalued, but it’s also a gift to you in that for a moment you can see clearly and release that person. They were an illusion of a friend. You can now focus your energy on your true friends.
How to Let Go
When faced with #5 above, I have a harder time letting go. My mind tends to circle the situation, trying to understand how someone could possibly use another person, how they could not be there for them in their crisis. Because I only associate with people that I care deeply about, I tend to fixate on these occasional aberrations and my unanswered questions. I’m slowly improving in this area as I realize that I don’t need all of the answers to be able to let go—and that letting go is honoring myself.
Otherwise, I find that I quite easily periodically simplify my relationships without intentionally doing so. It happens naturally. I start noticing how I feel around that person physically and emotionally, and those feelings are a clear indicator as to whether I need to let go.
I’m convinced the best way to let go depends on the friendship.
If there was an incident, out of respect for the other person and the adult communication mentioned above, it should be discussed. You should let the other know how their actions made you feel. You should follow that with a firm and clear, but unemotional, conveyance of your desire to cease communication. If you cannot do it unemotionally, then it means that you have more inner work to do before you can take this step gracefully. When you’re ready, you’ll know because it feels like you’re taking care of yourself rather than retaliating.
If there was no incident, but the relationship has been steadily declining in its value to you, I think it’s fair and honest to simply let loose of your grip on trying to make things work. If you simply withdraw your effort, you’ll likely find the relationship quietly flickers out on its own. You both go your separate ways and find people who are more suited to you. People change; there’s no one to blame.
What Remains
We all have limited time and energy to give to others, and it’s both treating ourselves and others with respect to periodically assess our relationships. If they’re damaged or damaging, it’s time to let go. You may find yourself with a much smaller circle of people you call your friends, but at least you’ll know what is real.
Photo credit: Sukanto Debnath
Tags: clutter, friends, love, Relationships, respect, simplicity
